| goood day.. |
[23 Oct 2005|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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 yeeeah buddy! |
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music |
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sunday football! |
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its sunday already.
which is weird because it feels like friday was just yesterday.. its probably because i had a stupid competition yesterday and it took us like 3 hours to get there on a stupid school bus.. and we stayed there for about 3 hours and we had to ride back on the bus for another three hours. geesh it was so pointless. i dont know how we did because we left before awards. we probably didnt do that great because we never do.. but it felt good. but that doesnt really mean anything.
friday night i went on a double date with kaily and klint. and my date was jody parker. hottie i know! anyways. we went to advantis and the food was greeeaaat! then we went to spook hallow. ive lived in marquette heights for 3 years and pekin for like 1341412356 years and ive NEVER been because im a big chicken &&* i hate being scared. so i warned jody that i would probably be hiding behind him the whole time. but i was wrong. so we go in and we get scared a few times and then we come to those darn smoke or whatever houses thingys that we have to go through.. and i HATE those things.. they scare me soo much so i didnt want to go in .. so jody walked behind me covering my eyes and my ears so that i wouldnt get scared. it was cute. &&* i walked into a few walls but thats okay because i didnt have to see the scary people.. then some guy was trying to tell us what way to go because we couldnt see anything and he hit me in the eye.. it was pretty funny. and then jody jumped because someone jumped out at us and he hit me in the eye too.. im surprised i dont have a black eye.. but all in all it was fun and i enjoyed it so very much!!
i didnt get a good night kiss though.. but i think he wanted to.. hehehehe.
i talked to chris lastnight and he really doesnt have enough time for me.. so that means that i dont have to worry about picking between him and jody. so eh yeah thats about it. i cant wait to see what goes on with me &&* jody...
the best things are worth waiting for<3
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| sweeeet. |
[09 Oct 2005|02:39pm] |
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mood |
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 im impressed with you. |
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music |
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.. Bears Game in the backround .. |
] |
friday night was the homecoming parade and game. that parade was crap because emilees mom said my name and then i droped my flag. cody and josh were there watching.. cody dyed his hair back to dark.. it looks sooo much better. the game wasnt too bad.. except for peforming when it was really cold outside... and they ran out of hot chocolate. it was baad. but i had hot tea so its all gooood. then klint told me that jody likes me.. eh i doubt it. yeah and we won.. which is a biiiig surprise.
then saturday we had a competition in metamora.. it was freaking cold too. we were the first to goo so that ment i had all day to do whatever. so this guy i met from eureka [he is amazing i might add] was sitting right next to the field and looking at me so i got really nervous and messed up.. ugh poo on him. then courtney came and we hung out inside of the school and played go fish and war. and i found a 3 1/2 in my cards. isnt that weeird. so if anyone wants to buy it.. i will take the hightest offer. haha. then we hung out with chris austin and someother people from eureka. it was fun. the guys are soooo funny. i laugh so hard when im with them. i decided im moving to eureka. yup thats right. then courtney spent the night and we watched the little mermaid. it was great. and we are going to go see a moive a little later with they boooys. :] yay.
so if youre wondering why i didnt go to homecoming.. its because my date back out on me at the last minute.. so i hung out with hot chris. YES!
tooodles.
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| blah |
[25 Sep 2005|11:14am] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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not much as been going on lately. ive been really busy with colorguard. im a band nerd. but its okay because going to competitions are awesome. there are always alot of hot guys on drumline. yesterday we went to danville. i pretty much sucked. G is gay and i hope that he gets fired. we lost to this gay group that had their colorguard in boxes that had cars painted on the side. they didnt even do anything cool. our show is way better. i mean gosh we have blue men. i dont even know if im going to do it next year. i mean i love the people that are on colorguard.. we always have a blast and such but i dont really like the couches.
the bus ride was fun. 21/2 hours of taking pictures of trucks that drove by and weird ones of ourselves. i'll have to put them up as soon as i find my cd to download my program again. my parents are gone in chicago and im home alone. im bored. theres nothing to do here.. i want to leave and i have a big bug collection due tomorrow and i need 10 bugs and i have 3. i need to go look for some buuut its raining outside. bleh.
i want to go play out in the rain. i want a boyfriend. i want more cool friends. i mean i have friends and stuff but it seems like everyone is always gone or working. i need a job. i need alot of things. im just too lazy to go out and do anything about it.
i havent talked to my mom in soo long. i cant find any where to call her since i cant call her from here.
homecoming is coming up soon. i still dont have a dress. i dont really know if i want to go but id feel bad if i told justin i didnt want to go. i kinda want to go with someone else.
i keep liking guys for some reason.. even though they dont like me back. i should just give up on guys.... exspecially him*. ugh. i love him. theres nothing i can do. and yes it is cody. im not gunna lie. i want him back soo bad and im sorry sam.. your a wonderful person but i still have very very stong feelings for cody. but dont worry he "love" you. uuugh.
well, i guess thats it. i hate my life.
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[27 Aug 2005|02:59pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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blahblahblahblah |
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i saw you last night.
i lost my breath.
why must i go
through this all
alone. i need you
i cant help but think
of you with me.
she cant make you
happy like i can.
for those of you who think this is about cody. your very wrong.
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| </3 |
[20 Aug 2005|09:44am] |
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mood |
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 dead. |
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music |
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Such Great Heights. |
] |
he loves her. <3
i hate this.
im a mess.
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| loooong time no see. |
[14 Aug 2005|05:43pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
] |
my step mom had her baby yesterday. shes super cute. they named her macy elizabeth ballinger. cute huh? i think so. they get to come home tomorrow and im really excited. so school starts on tuesday. ooooh boy. im actually kind of glad school is starting. im sick of summer. doing the same things over and over again are kinda getting old.
i went to the retreat on friday. it was pretty good. i didnt really learn anything, but i had fun with everyone. $10 well spent.
i think tonight i might go hang out with alissa and some guys from morton. yay. some cute guys.
so me and david never happend but im over it. i dont really want a boyfriend right now anyways. i have more important things to worry about right now. well i really dont have anything else to say.
toodles.
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| welcome back... |
[26 Jul 2005|12:08pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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Sad Day -- the rolling stones. :] |
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so last night i went over to sarahs.
kristin, alaina, bobby, austin, frank, adam, pete, some girl from texas, wes, aaron, alex, and pat were all there too. us girls went swimming for awhile which was fun. alaina jumped in from the side and got stuck. it was really funny. then we made a big world pool which totally kicked butt. like when i was trying to get out from the side the current took my legs with it and i fell in. it was funny. then pat and adam jumped in the pool from here garage roof. pretty funny stuff. and about 9 we watched some of laguna beach but then decided to watch some cheesy movie. im not sure what we are doing tonight because me being a band geek i have to go to colorguard practice. ohhh joy! :P
so im not really missing cody all that much any more.. but im starting to miss david. weird..... i dont know whats going on with me but its kind of exciting. maybe im finally getting over cody. :] about time. i dont know though. well thats about it. toodles.
<3<3
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| im hooooooooome :] |
[24 Jul 2005|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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after a boring day and a half train ride i am finally home.
i had an awesome time in texas but i did miss all of my friends. i got a little sun while i was down there so im not as white as i used to be. i met a boy. hes nice but i dont know what to think about him because im here and hes in texas. also there was a guy on the train that sat next to me. he was crazy and really annoying. he kept touching me. eww. i took a lot of pics.. maybe i'll post them some day. i just dont feel like doing it right now. well thats pretty much it. goooood bye.
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| homefree |
[08 Jul 2005|06:10pm] |
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mood |
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sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep |
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music |
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happy birthday to you.. happy birthday to yoooou.. |
] |
so tonight is my last night i get to sleep in my bed.
i leave for texas tomorrow. how very exciting. maybe it will help get things off my mind. like *HiM*. uuuuuughhhhh. im such a loser.
today was my last day volunteering. diana gave me a braclet and some earrings. oh and a nice cared. wow isnt that exciting. all of them told me i was their favorite and that they were going to miss me. wow i feel loved. i cant remember the last time i felt that. so im going to try to hang out with sarah tonight. but i dont know if thats gunna happen or not but whatever if it doesnt ill just hang out with shyrel. yup.
todays my dads birthday. woot woot.
well good bye for 2 weeks. ill try to get on the computer when im gone down there and update or whatever but i cant promise anything.
<3<3<3 MeL.
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| why me. |
[05 Jul 2005|04:12pm] |
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mood |
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hateful |
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music |
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Seether ' Broken ' |
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so last night was a big party at my grandma's house for the 4th. i havent been doing much. ive pretty much just hung out with my family. oh how very exciting. im going to texas on a train with my aunt and uncle and their kids. i leave the 10 and come back the 23. freakin YES! about time i get a break from this depression. i had another dream about cody last night. ive been having them like every night the last month. its crazy. oh well. i mean i dont ever get to see him or talk to him but in my dreams i do. i wish i could just sleep forever. that would be nice.
im not doing anything today. i have a colorguard meeting at 7-9 tonight. woot woot. no not really. oh well i get to go see joanie. thats good. i miss her. and emily will be there. swell.
so my mom called my dad to tell him that she was going to fight for me and he got all mad and she got all mean and they faught therefore she cant call the house and i cant call her from the house. yup so i have a calling card i can use to call her but i dont know whose gunna let me use their phone to call her. yeah and my family is pretty pissed off that i want to move in with her and they said that it wouldnt make anything better.
my aunt was picking on me last night because she said i always look sad and gloomy and that she doesnt ever see me smile. well i told her that it wasnt my fault i cant help that im sad all the time.
well i could have helped it if i wouldnt of been so STUPID!
i hate my self for that </3
im broken.
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| dont worry about me tomorrow. today is my last day. |
[29 Jun 2005|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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music |
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Sugar Cult. -- Daddys little Defect |
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i broke up with alex yesterday.
talk to my mom last night. i want to move so bad.
maybe i'll hang out with emily today.
i went to adams last night with sarah wes aaron alex bobby frank austin shyrel matt and pat. it was fun. we ate, called random people and played around.
then i came home and wrote more poems. maybe i'll but some in here some day. i dont know though because they arent very good. of course they are all about broken love.
well thats pretty much it. my aunt and uncle from texas come tomorrow. yay.
thats it.
today is my last day. </3
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| we belong together.. <3 |
[28 Jun 2005|11:52am] |
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mood |
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 love sucks |
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<3<3<3
i didnt mean it
when i said i didnt love you so
i should have held on tight
i never shouldve let you go
i didnt know nothing
i was stupid
i was foolish
i was lying to myself
i could not fathom that i would ever
be without your love
never imagined id be
sitting here beside myself
cause i didnt know you
cause i didnt know me
but i thought i knew everything
i never felt
the feeling that im feeling
now that i dont
hear your voice
or have your touch and kiss your lips
cause i dont have a choice
oh what i wouldnt give
to have you lying by my side
right here cause baby
<3<3<3<3<3<3
when you left
i lost a part of me
its still so hard to believe
come back baby please
we belong together
who else am i gonna lean on
when times get rough
whos gonna talk to me on the phone
till the sun comes up
whosgonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
We belong together
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| @ *^ % # ! |
[27 Jun 2005|01:37pm] |
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mood |
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cant live without you |
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music |
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We Belong Together |
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i decided to update again for the second time today. i didnt really say much in the other sooo...
my life sucks soOoOo baaaaaaad right now.
im obsessed with someone i cant have. that likes someone else right now.
i have a boyfriend i dont want.
i want cody. <3
i hate my self sooo much. i rather not live at all. but cant change that
i want to run away. but that makes me a chicken.
running away from my problems.
im depressed. and stupid
i hope i live with my mom soon. because i hate my f*ckin life.
I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT ={
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouilove
i have no friends. i have no life. i have no job.
never should have let you go <3<3<3
if you love someone, dont let them go, because they might never come back.
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| love always fails. <3 |
[27 Jun 2005|11:46am] |
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mood |
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unblessed |
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music |
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happy when it rains. |
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i got a new awesome belt. its a scroll belt. and it says whatever i want it to say. jealous.. i know.
i dont love you..
im inlove with you
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| boop boop weee woop |
[22 Jun 2005|04:55pm] |
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mood |
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 super duper |
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yesterday i went to the park with sarah and we took some cool pictures. then we went back to her house and watched some movies and colored. then al n adam came over and we went to good shepard to swing and such. then wes and aaron showed up then we went back to sarah's house and watched some more movies then they left and me and sarah played a sweet ass barbie game. i won prom queen twice. then sarah finally won. then we watched a little more of a movie and went to bed. then woke up and aaron and wes came over to swim, but i left like 10 minutes after they came. now im home and looking for something else to do. well my mom gave me good news last night. she said that she talked to the lawyer and he said that he is pretty positive that all its going to take for me to live with her is to stand infront of a judge and say i want to live with my mom. hopefully thats whats going to happen. well im going to go because that 70's show is on. toodles.
:]:]:]:]:]
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| : { |
[21 Jun 2005|04:49pm] |
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mood |
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life makes me mad |
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music |
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That 70's show theme song |
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i have no life.
last night i went to kristins with alex stephen shyrel and matt. they swam for a little while and me and al watched. then we went and watched some tv. then we went to go watch someone fight. which didnt happen. then i came home. and slept. i havent done anything today. i took a bath and thats pretty much it. im super depressed like always. and i had a hard time sleeping last night because i kept thinking about things. theres no way to get rid of this pain and i hate it. nothing makes me happy any more. im so pathetic. and i hate the way things are right now. my dads a dick. i have no money. i miss my mom and want to live with her really bad. and even though i hate to admit it but i really miss cody. god. which is bad because i have a really nice boyfriend. i feel like i have no friends. in which i really dont. i have a few but they dont seem to really care about me or even want to do anything with me.
but mostly out of everything that is bothering me cody is the top of it all. i mean me and him used to be best friends i used to have the greatest times with him and i loved the person that he was, but he has changed.. alot and it kills so bad. just to think of how goofey and wonderful our relationship just brings me to tears. i dont think im ever going to be that happy again for a long time. god. i need to stop being so boring and lame. my life sucks and no one wants to hear about it. im not trying to make you feel sorry for me. but this is the only way to get this shit out because i cant talk to anyone about it. and i dont want to do something stupid to myself.
i want to move to good ole' P.A. with my mommy. :/
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| da*da*da* |
[20 Jun 2005|02:19pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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i just got home from taking my mom to the airport. it was a great visit with her. i had a blast.
me and alex started going out on thursday. but we havent hung out this weekend. but we are supposed to be doing something tonight. my mom is going to fight for me so i can go live with her. good. i need to get out of this shit hole. my sisters now 18 so shes going to be leaving soon and i cant be left here with this stupid family. so my mom is taking my dad to court. yay. and if it doesnt happen then i am still going to move out when i turn 18. on my freaking birthday im moving. seriously. i cant wait to get out of this town. sorry. i <3 my friends but i just cant deal with this any more. im never happy. well. thats pretty much it. love ya all.
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| cough cough * life sucks * cough cough |
[16 Jun 2005|09:29pm] |
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mood |
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crapadoodle |
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music |
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none |
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so my dang journal is being stupid and wont let me have it pretty like it was before. therefore im pissed.
so tomorrow my mom comes. about freakin time.
im depressed like i always am and have no reason to be. really i dont. i have a few great friends. and i like hanging out with them. but i really miss amanda emily and my miss sarah beal that i love dearly. but theres really nothing i can do. im having a hard time with the whole God thing. i just dont know what to do and i dont want to talk to anyone about it or about my depression because i dont want people to think im trying to make them feel sorry for me. because thats not it at all. im write in this because i have no other way of letting all the hurt and saddness out. im afraid that i might do something bad if i dont let it out. but i cant talk to anyone about it because i dont want them to hate me. well thats it because im going to take my sister to the gas station. woot*woot. :{
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| i hate every beautiful day |
[12 Jun 2005|11:43am] |
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mood |
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ahhh! |
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music |
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Sugar Cult.-- Hate Every Beautiful Day |
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so friday was nicks going away party. my mom was supposed to fly in but couldnt because it was raining. sucks. but i went to the hotal where they were having nicks party. we were making pizza and the fire alarm went off so we all left and went to chelseas. then i went home. wow. bad night. then yesterday was my aunts wedding. very cute. my cousins all looked so beautiful. so then at the reception i hung out with haley (my cousin) and her friend shereen. (fun girl). and then we came here and did nothing then i took them home. yesterday was also shereens birthday. so shes having a party tonight for it. im invited. and i think i might go. if my rents will let me. i dunno though. my sisters pissed at me like always. i hate my life. anyways thats it. i have a boring life and i dont know if i should even write in here any more because i never have anything interesting going on.
<3 oh poop.
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| crap |
[09 Jun 2005|06:21pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
] |
today was my first day volunteering. it was pretty easy. all i did was sit around look at babies. pretty easy stuff. too bad i didnt get pay for that. so right now i dont really have anything to do. alex just called so i might be doing something with him. then my mom comes tomorrow. wow. i dont know if i want to go to church tonight or not. i hate seeing cody. actually i like seeing him i just hate seeing him obsesse over sam. it kinda hurts. oh well. its all my fault anyways. i miss him. i also miss emily. and amanda. wow life is boring and i hate it right now. great. im really depressed and i never want to do anything. my sister hates me right now because im hanging out with her friends even though she never does because shes stuck up matts behind. and i want to be "loved" not sure why. man i need a life. but i mean thats the great thing about having someone to love. because then you always seem to have a life. its the one that you love. and you share that live with them for awhile until someone gets stupid and breaks up with the other one. either way i lose. thats just the way things are. i dont really even know why i still "love" cody. i mean gosh we had an awesome relationship. i loved his family and him. and the times we were together were probably the greates moments of my life so far. but i messed up and really cant do anything about it so i might as well just move on. but its hard to when theres nothing to do next.
i love you guys. <33
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